On Your Way to Making Love Accessible Another Sexy Tip…

It’s been such a trip to hear from some of you and how it’s worked out to follow the 20/20/…rule. Let’s give ourselves a break and be OK with the fact that by the time we are getting to the final 20 in the three twenties, it’s not lasting THAT long. Questions? Just see tip #1. I must say that it has been well noted that getting there has been MUCH more enjoyable! If the actual act isn’t lasting that long, possibly because you have simply RUN out of TIME (insert giggle), or because it’s freaking exhausting to make it to 40 minutes! Either way, good for you for trying!

Tip #2:  Get Vocal!

Calm down you crazies! This isn’t THAT type of blog. What I mean, is it’s time to explore what turns you on, gets you going and find a way to let your partner know!

How exactly does someone do this?  It’s hard right? It’s just not a natural conversation. Can you imagine the next ride in the car?

Me: “Hey babe, I was reading this new book and the main guy had this way of lifting his girl onto the kitchen counter when unpacking the groceries. They had this amazing make out session while putting away the groceries…there was butter…it was so hot.”

Him: **silence** yeh…I can’t even imagine the response I would have gotten to that one. I mean, who am I to call out the one thing that he couldn’t actually do? Because he has muscular dystrophy and can’t lift me? Um…nope. I wish.  While I may struggle with some changes in my husbands body, I can only imagine what he may struggle with as a man who’s wife has gained weight and aged since she was 17 year old dancer.

So, clearly what happens in these books I love to read can’t always happen in my world and that’s totally cool! I DO have a way to use those books to improve my love life. How?

I’m so glad you asked! Here’s a short list of the ways I’ve learned to share my intimacy goals and how any  disability has yet to get in the way:

1. Read to Rev the Engine

Audible is my best friend. She is there for me when I am driving, walking, doing dishes, vacuuming, taking a long bath…you get the idea. I adore Audible because actors (really good ones) read all sorts of genres of romance. Don’t limit yourself! Try kinky! If you hate it, you click the rerun button and poof! They have a listener guarantee! You get your credit back! Check out my Goodreads for some of my favorite books. We all saw how the lines of BDSM were shaded between black to grey. Some may say, they found a thread of romance in something they once found scary and barbaric. Reading about rope tying with the Bound Series may not lead you to enrolling in a Shibari class, but it may inspire you to see what it’s like to let go and give up some control. Something that caregivers especially may find comfort in.  Just listening to the Millionaire finds young single girl drama  or any of the amazing Christina Lauren books give us a break from reality. By the way, I absolutely die for their writing! I found that I like things a bit less innocent than I realized. No, you won’t see me at any BDSM or adult club, but I get pretty turned on by a good public voyeur scene… in a BOOK people! For my HUSBAND. (Just wanted to clarify)  There is a lot of variety out there. I’ll be sharing a preview of a new series by one of my favorite authors this week, you won’t want to miss it! In fact, she (J.A. Huss with her new writing companion Actor and Screenwriter Jonathan McClain) will be promoting the first of four books through a Blitz featured on our very own web site with many free giveaways. Check back throughout the week.

If you don’t want to spring for Audible, (they also have a all you can read romance, the library has some fabulous Maya Banks books for beginners. For free! Try the public library e-book programs they all have now. Even Kindle offer free Erotica to launch new authors.

How do I let my husband know about what I am hearing? Well, I’ve been known to leave my book playing in bed at night. I go to sleep and I am quite sure he gets an idea of what I like. Through this method, he’s heard a few ear fulls of sexy scenes that had to have turned him on. It’s gotten to the point where I can now tell him about my books as our little joke. He loves making fun of them and how much I listen to them. However, as evidence shows, he has caught on to my listening patterns. I have gotten more bold. The more I hear, the less shy I am to bring it up in our conversation. I’ve even found that I’ve been able to help direct what is going on during our time alone as well. A grab or touch here or there and hot damn!  That Audible fee is paying off. I  challenge you to find your way into a book, audio or the old fashion type. I would like to guarantee you will find some kindling for your fire. (Update***Check out my Goodreads Profile for some ideas and if you aren’t sure what to read and have some idea, I am happy to point you in the right direction to what you may enjoy***)

2. Late Night “Cable” Shows

Not for me, but out of respect for my husband it makes the list. He’s visual. I like a story line and a little thrill of the chase I get in said book or short story. At the very least, I can use this time to point out how repetitive and unrealistic the show is. We squabble, tease, and eventually I’ve got his attention more than the show.  I then give him my own little lesson of what I learned about the subject at hand…and the show is forgotten!

There’s your Sex Therafree for now…Enjoy!

KJ

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Making Love, Intimacy and Sex Accessible: Tips Tried and True

You know what you can’t find anywhere? Intimacy advice for people with physical disabilities and their partners.

I am not looking for anything crazy here! I just need a little help from someone out there. I have a husband with physical weakness from Myotonic Dystrophy. He’s still walking. He can still “get it up” for lack of better word. He’s still a “fully functioning” man. I don’t want to paint an inaccurate picture of our story, that won’t help anyone out there. The challenges we face are actually pretty common with a little extra care or advice needed. I’ve looked everywhere, asked the experts, researched YouTube, the internet, read and watched some weird shit, even reached out to our OT and Physical Therapists during our clinic times. The fact is that some of our issues are similar to the general public ie:  The “non-affected” as we call those of us without this disease. It’s occurred to me that researching and sharing my findings of what can improve the intimate life of couples living with physical disabilities will help other people as well. Overweight, back problems, pain management patients and others who need a helping hand (no pun intended). I have a couple tips that could change the game for any couple and there’s no way I’m keeping the secrets to myself.

Like any couple married almost 25 years, we are both changing, but he is obviously slipping downhill at an accelerated rate quickly. He can walk, talk, lift, do things around the house, but there are some general deficiencies that are fairly typical with this disease. Extreme exhaustion. Patients with Myotonic Dystrophy can sleep anywhere, anytime. They also can suffer from insomnia causing late nights of computer time, thereby causing them to sleep the next day, all day. It really does kind of suck. Being on different schedules has been a problem that has been known to mess up our sex life, it can screw up any couples sex life. So can obsessive gaming or computer time and what goes on during that computer time when I am asleep…especially if you would like him to save that “energy” for you. Weather your partner is less mobile than mine, you are the disabled one, you are in a chair full time at this point, I think you will find some of my tips beneficial.  I’ll post a series of tips. Make it a little easier and subscribe below to receive each tip.

Give a tip a try and comment to let me know what you find out yourself. Share your situation and what specifically worked or didn’t work for you. Maybe you can help the next couple!

Most of all, enjoy! Let’s start a trend of filling in the missing gap of information. Everyone needs a little nookie, let’s make it sex accessible shall we?

Tip #1adult-1869791__340

Time The Touch

20/20/20

Easiest Tip Ever and totally Free. According to this adorable Sex Therapist who held an intimacy class for ladies at a local medical center, Timing is Everything.

She challenged us to go home and try our new goal of 20/20/20.

The first 20 stands for Twenty Minutes of Non-Genital Touch. At least 20 minutes of the time leading up to penetration (aka foreplay) should be spent touching each-others bodies. Now this was mentioned from the perspective of men touching women, but think about it ladies, what does your man like? Men, feel free to comment. Keep it clean lol :). A squeeze on the bicep? A finger along the line of your pants men? Or panties ladies? Personally, we have found I am a sucker for a feather light stroke down the outside of the arm. Seriously? My arm! You can pull that off in the line at the grocery store! Walk up behind me and lightly brush my arm a couple times? It’s on. It takes my husband close to zero calories to pull off that little stunt and he has me ready to jump into the car and…well you get the idea. Carry on for another few minutes in the car, make it through putting groceries away and Tip #2 (keep your eyes out for that one). By the time we make it to the second Twenty, I am jelly in his hands. Are you more physically challenged?  How thrilling will it be to get a subtle touch down the side of your body, along the underside of the breast? Are you in a chair? Tell me you wouldn’t love that touch. In fact, I’m guessing there are other areas of your body that you would love a drag of a finger or two with a whisper in the ear. This first Twenty is EVERYTHING while being hardly anything at all.

Alright ladies and gents, we are crossing to the other side and not looking back now. This is nature and I’m just gonna get to it. The Second Twenty. It’s all about the Genitals. NOT about you getting INTO them…this is when the magic happens. Not to say the ladies won’t need a little extra lubrication. Take no offense. This could be from anything. Meds we are on, the air quality in the room, the soap we use. Be prepared! Invest in some great lube. If you are not using latex condoms, why not splurge and go for some silicone based product? I’m not a doctor, therapist or sales person for an adult brand. However I do know that some products do work and DON’T work with other products. Don’t be a dumb ass. Don’t get pregnant because you used the wrong lube. Especially if you have an austosomal dominant genetic disability. This is the type that you spread by getting pregnant. Period. One pregnancy is a 50% flip of the coin that the baby will have the same disease.  That’s just a no brainier. That being said, these twenty minutes are when lube can be your friend. For boys and girls. NOT for PENETRATION! WE AREN’T THERE YET! Play. Glide. Be soft. Be indirect. Ladies. Give DIRECTION. Men, show your partners what feels good. Just WAIT for the TWENTY minutes to expire. If you are counting down the minutes, unplug the clock and turn off the phone. Turn off your brain and watch what happens :). I think you will agree we don’t need a fully functional penis to be satisfied.  Am I right?

Finally, you’ve made it to the last of the Twenty minutes. Honestly, your partner, if a man,  may need a helping hand, you will most likely be well taken care of by now anyhow. Go ahead and repay the favor. Go with the flow. This is the time when all bets are off. You will most likely need some of my tips for these twenty minutes (more or less).

I’ve got lot’s of great advice collected and data to share. Make sure you subscribe below and subscribe to receive the next tip(s) as soon as they come out.  Don’t forget to share what your experiences were (within reason-keep it somewhat classy lol). Let us all know if they worked out. Make sure you mention any questions or challenges you may have and I will do my best to reach out for help!

Have fun with your assignment!

XO,

Krissy Jana

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hardened

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So…I’ve got this little issue that began a few years ago with a series of three (well four) books that opened the door to what they would then label mommy porn. It was just the beginning for me of a new era of reading. I was so bored with books, even more bored with my love life. As you may know, we had been married around 19 or 20 years then and our love life was, well…missionary. Then came “mommy porn” and it’s gold rush of accessibility on e-readers, Audible and hiding a book behind another more serious book.

Slowly, conversations around the lunchroom and specific friends would change and we had quite a fun time sharing some of our favorite fantasies expressed more like “did you read that one scene where…” and so on. Subtlety, I remember twisting my body a bit this way and that way in bed during our “marital relations” in an effort to express subconsciously what was exploding out of my head as what I really wanted in bed, but was way too embarrassed to ask for. Yeah, that didn’t work too well. An old tie snatched out of the closet and placed on the nightstand went unnoticed. Months of this carried on. Frustration, both sexually and in our daily relationship grew as I continued my secret reading club of one. Building expectations and for some completely pathetic way never expressing them to my husband and resenting him for it. Until I began taking more, researching more, and slowly opening up to him about what I was reading. On long car rides, I would chime in…with a snuggle to the right side of the driver, hand along his inner right arm.

“Don’t you want to hear about this amazing Japanese rope tying thing I read about in this series. It’s really not what you think! The book makes it seem like so much more!  There’s this class in the city where you meet up and try it? Wanna go?”

Ok. I knew it was a long shot.  I wasn’t expecting him to sign up for any class or join a bunch of weirdo sex freaks on the top of a local hiking ridge with a variety of rope and yoga mats, but remember, we are still working on getting that neck tie around my eyes. The tie on the night stand? Yeah, that was my reality. It hadn’t moved.  Let me give credit where credit is due by the way. If you’ve never read the amazing “Mastered Series” by Lorelei James, Including Bound, Unwound, Schooled, Unraveled, and Caged , do yourself a favor and give at the very least the first one a try. Here’s the link on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/series/109024-mastered

Anyhow, this whole series was what started the conversation between my husband and I. It was like I had to prove the beauty in what looked and sounded so ludicrous and San Francisco BDSM like when I would try to explain it. Nothing could do it justice like Lorelie James did. Maybe it was a cultural thing. Maybe we needed to go to Japan. Maybe I was craving not just some dominance but some protection. Protection not in the bedroom or from bad guys but from life and daily struggles of our life itself? These are the topics that started to build in our conversations.

Our conversations started to change with books I would read. I didn’t always stick with hard core erotica books. I love a good romance with the billionaire. My expectations would get to high and  I would get home from a day of teaching disappointed that the man wasn’t waiting with his private jet and ready to strip me naked. So I would turn to more real world romances.

Books where they didn’t always have to be a millionaire or a girl in distress, where there was a sexy working man and he was good enough because HE loved HER. The author did THAT good of a job depicting the love that grew between the two “average”, but let’s not fool ourselves and say they weren’t always beautiful, characters, in a way that kept us strung along that first two thirds of the story until the problem climaxed and thank God, with an hour left in the book, we knew we had at least one good love scene left after resolution and a happily ever after.

Why do any of these books really matter? What do they really have to do with my love life? They opened the door to communication. My husband needs a visual stimulation. Most men do and for anyone out there who thinks their husband doesn’t, good for you. Check his internet history girlfriend. It’s nature. I needed my own kick starter and that was literature.

Books have led to a point of sexual liberation in our relationship. I will go into those fun details another time, and I am no sex therapist, but I did meet with one. We do have special challenges in our marriage. Our sex life is complicated by a neuromuscular disease and my own body pain and limits that I am working on. However, we now have intimacy vocabulary to work with that we never had before. We are not immune to love, intimacy, realistic expectations. I do see how some of this erotica and definitely porn can cause that issue in young relationships and sadly, young girls and boys are developing unrealistic visions of what love and respect for their body limits may look like. I’m sad for that. Truly. But that’s not what I am writing about or advocating.

My love life and relationship and even the family dynamics in my home have changed because I have expanded my sexual database (what a lame word-I can’t think of the right one for now this will have to do). My sexual repertoire! That’s the word.  Sex is healthy. Teens, heck, any kids need to know that their parents love each other and to see a heathy example of love in their daily life.  I love that I have invested into my imagination and dared to share this with my husband. He has risen to the challenge. My heart isn’t hardened but it’s safe to say that other things have been. Wink, wink.